motivation

I struggle to get motivated, a lot of the time. I procrastinate. Obsessively. It's actually got to stage where I feel like I can't study if my room is messy, because I associate studying with a clean room thanks to years of cleaning to procrastinate. And it's not that I'm disorganised. I have two 50% essays and a take home exam to complete this weekend, and I've known they were coming for months. I've even been trying to work on the essays for the past few weeks. I've been thinking about them, and worrying about them, but I've done hardly any work on them.

And I'm actually starting to think that my motivation issues are the last bastille of my depression. I've had it for years, and I keep it mostly under control these days. But maybe this is the area where it still gets me. Motivation. Because I actually quite like my classes. Human Rights and Global Justice. Ethical Theory. Media, Politics and Society. Even the names are distinctly identifiable as things that interest me. (I actually do four subjects, but the last one I find so incredibly tiresome that it's not even worth posting here. I'm only taking it cos I think it'll be good for me.)

Anyway, perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on myself when it comes to study. I've got into the habit lately of handing things in a day or two late. They only take away 2% per day for most of my subjects, and I work much better when I know something's due but I don't have to stress about getting it done on time. Unfortunately, the work I have at the moment will probably take more than a day or two to complete. Hence my motivation struggles today.

But at the same time, I wonder. How different can I really claim to be? Everyone has issues, whether they be based in personality, learned habits, or so called 'mental illness'. This is the ADHD generation, after all. My motivation issues are no more legitimate than anyone else's. Maybe I should just stop making excuses and get back to work.

(Interestingly, my boyfriend sent me this article today. Scary.)