thinking about thinking

I was watching a friend's band last week when it suddenly occured to me how rarely I listen to music. That feels like an odd statement, coming from someone who constantly has music playing no matter what I'm doing - in fact, the only times I turn it off are when I'm watching TV, or making music of my own - but it's always the background. Listening to music isn't what I'm doing, it's just incidental. I hardly ever put a song on, sit down, and just listen. I used to. I remember listening to whole albums from end to end without doing anything else at all, but I lost that ability to be still and listen somewhere amidst the busyness of life.

Anyway, this got me thinking about thinking. I tend to avoid letting my mind roam free. Mainly because, I think, for a few years I couldn't trust it not to lead me places I didn't want to go. But now it's such a strong habit to always be distracting myself that I can't let go and just think about whatever comes into my head.

There are a few places where still can, though. Usually whilst doing tasks that require very little brain energy. Like showering. Or driving. Or watching a gig. I'm stuck in one place until I finish whatever it is I'm doing, with little for my mind to do but wonder. And consequently, a large proportion of my songs are written in these places. The shower. Behind the wheel. At gigs. I've always noticed this, but never really thought about why.

steep street

I took this photo in Montemart, Paris. It's my favourite photo from my favourite part of Paris. Thought I'd post it.

motivation

I struggle to get motivated, a lot of the time. I procrastinate. Obsessively. It's actually got to stage where I feel like I can't study if my room is messy, because I associate studying with a clean room thanks to years of cleaning to procrastinate. And it's not that I'm disorganised. I have two 50% essays and a take home exam to complete this weekend, and I've known they were coming for months. I've even been trying to work on the essays for the past few weeks. I've been thinking about them, and worrying about them, but I've done hardly any work on them.

And I'm actually starting to think that my motivation issues are the last bastille of my depression. I've had it for years, and I keep it mostly under control these days. But maybe this is the area where it still gets me. Motivation. Because I actually quite like my classes. Human Rights and Global Justice. Ethical Theory. Media, Politics and Society. Even the names are distinctly identifiable as things that interest me. (I actually do four subjects, but the last one I find so incredibly tiresome that it's not even worth posting here. I'm only taking it cos I think it'll be good for me.)

Anyway, perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on myself when it comes to study. I've got into the habit lately of handing things in a day or two late. They only take away 2% per day for most of my subjects, and I work much better when I know something's due but I don't have to stress about getting it done on time. Unfortunately, the work I have at the moment will probably take more than a day or two to complete. Hence my motivation struggles today.

But at the same time, I wonder. How different can I really claim to be? Everyone has issues, whether they be based in personality, learned habits, or so called 'mental illness'. This is the ADHD generation, after all. My motivation issues are no more legitimate than anyone else's. Maybe I should just stop making excuses and get back to work.

(Interestingly, my boyfriend sent me this article today. Scary.)

don't let go - kate miller heidke

I've been very busy, lately.


First of all I apologise for this long period of silence
Being busy's no excuse to pull away and lose touch with my friends
Last time we met on the net
Maybe you didn't like those things that I said
But the day I sent you that sad mail
Not one, not two, but three couples of friends just split up

Please don't start your reply with 'sorry I was busy too'
It's the busyness that brings us to our knees
Who invented all these things we have to do?
Cos if I don't have you babe
What I'm trying to say is
Don't let go

And as for me the snow has returned
The cat is scratching at the cotton buds on his fur
Mum never calls, Laura's going to Spain
The ethics teacher killed herself last Saturday

Please don't start your reply with 'sorry I was busy too'
It's the busyness that brings us to our knees
Who invented all these things we have to do?
Cos if I don't have you babe
What I'm trying to say is
Don't let go

musings on utilitarianism

Utilitarianism is a theory of morality that states that the right action is the one which brings about the most utility (aka happiness), all things considered. It's the theory that says everyone's happiness is equal and should be considered as such; no preferences for the happiness of rich people over poor people, and no judging anyone on what makes them happy (if you're big dream is to complete a pogo stick marathon, then as long as you're not hurting anyone else it's fine by utilitarianism!)

However, it's also the theory that says if you can save 5 lives by killing 1 person, then you should do it. More happiness will be created by the five lives being spared, and this outweighs any sadness created over the one life lost. But I'm just not convinced this is true. I don't think you can weigh up happiness and sadness like that. For one thing, sadness is more than just the absence of happiness. It's not like light and darkness (darkness being merely the absence of light). Sadness/anguish/grief/guilt/etc are states of being in their own right. And I don't think you can put them on the scales against happiness and say one weighs more than the other. It's just not that simple.

One of the most common objections to utilitarianism, however, is that it makes EVERYTHING a question of morality. At any point in time, the theory tells us to ask ourselves whether there's not something we could be doing that would create more happiness than what we're doing at the moment. And that's not just happiness for ourselves, or our loved ones. Our own happiness is no more important that anyone else's, therefore we should always be considering how we can make the world a better place, every minute of every day.

Whilst this is often considered a knock down objection to utilitiarianism, I think it's actually the theory's strongest point. Sure, it's challenging. And sure, if we really took it seriously it'd revolutionise the way we live our lives. But why is that a bad thing? Utilitarians have almost always been social revolutionaries (or at least had feminist mistresses, a la John Stuart Mill and Harriet Taylor). Our society is not beyond the need for revolution. Not by a long shot. So while I'm not convinced that utilitarianism is a practical ethical theory, I think the fact that it seriously asks us to look at every sphere of our lives (especially, I think, the sphere of consumerism: what would happen if we really considered the implications of every purchase we make on the happiness of those who produced it? not to mention whether we really need it, or could our money be better spent elsewhere?) is utilitarianisms strongest point.

friday, I'm in love

I can't really think of anything to write tonight. I'm tired, and sick of study, and I just want to dance.

Here's some Friday night type photos: